My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Two words: nipple clamps
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