he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
