I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
its liver damage thursday
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
