I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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