what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
try to milk me bitch
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