He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
