My room smells like vodka and shame
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
