Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
