I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
