I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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