I'm eating all of the evidence.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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