Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
