I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
