Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
