I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Randomize
