She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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