Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
