is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize