omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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