You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Operation Purity has been aborted
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
