Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
