I forgot how hot balto sounded
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
