sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
