I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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