YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
