No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
