Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
