a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
