OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
