I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
