connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
