So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
