fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
