haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
