i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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