they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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