the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
