I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
