life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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