I want to have your abortion
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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