oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
