So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
