That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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