Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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