I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
