If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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