Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
