Swine flu. Run for my life!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
