If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
