I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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