He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
