Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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