i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
