Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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