Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
