At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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